QUENTIN LETTS: Greta Garbo speaks! Andy looked slender and suntanned but seemed distracted by his suit button

By QUENTIN LETTS, PARLIAMENTARY SKETCHWRITER Published: 22:17, 14 July 2026 | Updated: 02:01, 15 July 2026 Greta Garbo speaks! Andy Burnham finally opened his beak in the Commons, his first parliamentary contribution since April 2017. Mr Burnham dipped a toe into the parliamentary briny during the last stages of the Public Office (Accountability) Bill, otherwise known as the Hillsborough law. It could see public servants banged up unless they are candid. Crikey. We may need more prisons. Parliamentary proceedings were arranged for the convenience of Sir Keir Starmer, who had to fly back from Paris, where he attended Bastille Day and was made a member of the Legion d’Honneur (for disservices to Brexit). We had to sit through a Starmer speech before we reached Eyelashes Andy at 6.25pm. Was Sir Keir a little damp round the headlights? After making his speech he stared at his toecaps. Later he cast up at the gallery, where sat some of the families affected by the various scandals that gave rise to this new law. Yes, the old lad was indeed awash with feelings, all the more when Mr Burnham – who spoke fluently and with minimal notes – called him ‘my friend’. That noun drew a few sarcastic laughs from the Opposition. Mr Burnham dipped a toe into the parliamentary briny during the last stages of the Public Office (Accountability) Bill, otherwise known as the Hillsborough law Eyelashes Andy had seated himself beyond the gangway three rows back. He spent the opening moments fiddling with the button of his jacket. They can be tricky when a suit is brand new. He looked suntanned and slender and not displeased with himself. To one side of him sat Anneliese Midgley (Lab, Knowsley), who co-ran his campaign in Makerfield. On his other side was a bearded chap from Crewe few of us recognised. Maybe it was his food-taster. Also near by was Wes Streeting, beaming and ultra-shiny. Ministers on the front bench, dregs of the Starmer regime, gazed beseechingly at their new party leader. Among them were David Lammy, Hilary Benn and the Roy Kinnear-lookalike Steve Doughty, who was often sent to defend the indefensible. Other Labour MPs had gone glam’ for the occasion. Jade Botterill (Ossett & Denby Dale) had poured herself into a slinky green frock. Penistone’s Marie Tidball was done up as for tea at Buck House. As Mr Burnham made his speech, mentioning all sort of victims’ groups, she dabbed a tear from her eyes. The Bill had been squirted through the parliamentary timetable to give Sir Keir a last hurrah and to create a sense of purpose – an achievement at last – in his final days of power. The outgoing PM was never much of a House of Commons man and that showed when he was asked by the deputy Speaker, Caroline Nokes, to give his assent to a procedural nicety and had to be told what to do. ‘Just nod!’ barked Memsahib Nokes. Sir Keir’s head nearly flew off its moorings, she gave him such a fright. In his own five-minute speech Sir Keir talked up the momentousness of the Bill and said ‘we stand on the precipice of change’. He certainly does. Indeed, he has been pushed over it. Whee! Mr Burnham hoped the Bill ‘ends the cover-up culture’. Historians may recall his own contribution to the Mid-Staffs hospital scandal. He wanted to ‘put decency back at the heart of the British state’. Let us hope these words do not one day boomerang on him. The speech did not venture far beyond emotiveness. It was focused but unambitious. Miss Garbo’s publicist confirmed last night that she will be making no further Commons speeches until she has become PM on Monday, by which time the summer break will have started. Conservatives were due a debate of their choosing today but this was suddenly scrapped. Their motion proposed delaying recess so that Eyelashes could be questioned by the House about his policies. Commons Leader Sir Alan Campbell had a miserable half-hour explaining why the Tories’ debate had been scrapped. Sir Alan, 69, was previously regarded as a decent old buffalo. Now he looked like just another careerist, desperate to hang on to his job. Politics does do terrible things to these people.