Harry and Meghan are coming home, preparing to swap California for Britain six years after leaving royal life behind in pursuit of financial independence and a glittering media career.
Unfortunately, their American entertainment empire hasn’t quite conquered Hollywood as planned, with their Spotify deal cancelled and several Netflix projects failing to become the global sensations everyone involved presumably envisaged.
Luckily for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Britain never knowingly leaves a celebrity unemployed.
If they need to replenish the semi-royal coffers, our broadcasters can offer countless opportunities, dignified and otherwise. From opening briefcases and complaining about pubic hairs in hotel beds to getting naked in front of a gurning Anna Richardson.
Commissioning editors, form an orderly queue. Here’s how the schedules could look very soon…
Four in a Bed
The discerning duo inspect a number of royal residences, complain about the security arrangements for all of them and refuse to pay the full amount for any.
The Repair Shop
Harry brings in his relationship with William and Kate, a once-treasured family bond that’s now smashed to pieces. Will and Dominic painstakingly glue it back together. But will everyone cry at this one?
Dragons’ Den
Meghan asks for £500,000 in exchange for 2% of her company that sells overpriced jam, scented candles and leftover copies of her husband’s books. Peter Jones is out immediately.
Celebrity Naked Attraction
Harry’s tell-all campaign reaches its logical conclusion and becomes show-all as he finally puts the crown jewels on public display.
Grand Designs
The couple spend their Netflix and Spotify money converting a modest Surrey farmhouse into something that looks suspiciously like Buckingham Palace. Kevin McCloud pops back two years later to find they’re living in a static home, no longer speaking to the architect and Harry’s just lost a court case and now owes the glazier thirty grand.
Pointless Celebrities
Location, Location, Location
Phil and Kirstie are tasked with finding the couple a secluded family home near London with seven bedrooms, bulletproof windows and absolutely no adjoining cottages occupied by relatives.
Would I Lie to You?
‘I once broke a dog bowl with my back during a fight with the future king.’ Steph McGovern says it’s a lie. Lee Mack and Anita Rani agree. They’re all wrong.
Who Do You Think You Are?
SPOILER ALERT: It turns out that quite a few of Harry’s relatives have been kings or queens of England.
Deal or No Deal
As a briefcase model on the second series of the American version, this is a fairly obvious full-circle moment for Meghan. Only this time she opens the final box and wins just £50. Coincidentally, the same amount that Spotify offered her for another run of her podcast.
Celebrity Mastermind
Specialist subject: Everything anyone has ever done to upset them. Expect a record score.
Long Lost Family
‘We’ve carried out some research and… your family isn’t actually lost. They just don’t really like you very much.’
Sort Your Life Out
Stacey Solomon helps Harry and Meghan unpack 300 boxes of emotional baggage.
TV programmes they’re not really suited for:
24 Hours in Police Custody
This one’s probably best saved for another member of the family.
A Place in the Sun
Look what happened the last time they moved to sunnier climes.
Family Fortunes
They’d need to be able to convince three other relatives to join the Sussex team.
Escape to the Country
Harry and Meghan are more ‘Escape the Country’ types.
