There had been rumours during SATs, but apparently it’s rife once GCSE season kicks off. Parents obviously never gossip about or judge how others choose to bring up their kids – insert wry look to camera here – but word on the street at my son’s school was that some parents were paying their children for getting good grades. The higher the mark, the more moolah. Now, experts have gone on record confirming that this isn’t a great idea, which is reassuring but also slightly irrelevant, as there is absolutely no way I would have done it regardless.
Therapist and coach Natasha Nyeke says offering readies for results “can unintentionally reinforce the idea that their worth is linked to achievement”. She adds that, “For some children, this can increase pressure, anxiety and perfectionism, especially if they are already prone to being hard on themselves.”
Although we would, and have, congratulated our 11-year-old for a school report or test score by taking him out for a treat, or sometimes getting him a small present if there’s an item he’s been dropping extremely unsubtle hints about, there’s something about cold hard cash that feels unbelievably mercenary. Like a business transaction.
We don’t promise our son a reward only if he achieves some arbitrary goal. It’s not conditional, and it’s not guaranteed. It’s a surprise bonus, recognition of his labours, a cherry on the cake of him feeling proud of himself for trying his best and working hard.
Of course, like most parents, we put a lot into supporting and encouraging him, and would help him revise for as long as he wanted. But at the end of the day, he has to want to do well at school for himself. It’s his life, his future he’s shaping, and he knows that. If he gets good grades, he will be able to go to university, if indeed he chooses to – although that’s a complicated decision nowadays. And while it doesn’t ensure an interesting, fulfilling job, it won’t hurt his chances. We believe his motivation should be pleasure from the effort he put in paying off, rather than because he’s being paid off.
As senior educational and child psychologist Dr Sasha Hall explains, “The risk is that children begin working only for the reward, rather than developing the longer-term qualities we are really hoping to nurture, such as resilience, perseverance, self-discipline and pride in their own achievements.”
And then there’s the other side of this: the double disappointment kids must feel if they don’t manage to get the outcome they were going to be overcompensated for. Then they have to deal with “failure” on two levels, simultaneously.
No matter how hard I studied, there was no way I could have attained an A in my Maths GCSE. My brain just does not work like that. If my parents had offered me a billion pounds, the only thing it would have accomplished is making me feel extra useless. Luckily American writer Fran Lebowitz was correct when she said, “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
Also, in real life, all families are different and every human being is unique. Just because I wouldn’t fork out for my son to get a certain mark, and a couple of experts have made blanket statements about it largely not being advisable, that doesn’t mean it won’t work for some people.
Perhaps it’s the only method that has ever been effective in some desperate cases, and has made a real difference when all hope was lost. Maybe sometimes you need to push aside your ideals and do whatever it takes. Parenting has taken me to many places I would have sworn I never would have even considered going before I was a mum. We’re all just doing our best, aren’t we?
But for me, he’s my son, not my employee. Although in fairness, in that role the hours are long and the pay is rubbish. And if there’s anything that will prepare him for the world of work better than that, I can’t think of it.
