My grandchildren are a gift – but I’m not giving up work for them

Caroline Hirons, 56, founder of SkinRocks, is the outspoken queen of skincare, dubbed “the most powerful voice in the British beauty industry”. Born in Liverpool, she trained as an aesthetician in Paris and went on to found her eponymous beauty blog in 2010, at the age of 40.

In her fortnightly column for The i Paper, Caroline reveals how her life has changed since becoming a grandmother.

Before I became a nana, I just had one hope: that I would love my grandchildren as much as I loved my grandparents. I had fantastic grandmothers, they were second mums. Loving and caring, almost like your secret friend. Strong women, who made it clear just how much they adored me at any opportunity. That’s what I’ve tried to do with my grandchildren. It takes a village, and I’m so happy to be a major part of that village.

At the same time, you have to make sure you respect the way that the children’s parents want them raised. I am the grandmother, not the mother. If I think it’s not a big deal, I’ll contradict the parents and be cheeky, and give the kids what they want. But I don’t contradict them in terms of the big stuff, like what TV they can watch and what they can eat. The rules are no iPads and not giving them too much sugar – on that sort of thing, I always defer to my daughter-in-law. Even when my son and daughter-in-law are there, the kids will say: “Nanny, can I have a treat?” and I say: “You have to ask mummy and daddy.”

I had my kids early, which means I got grandchildren early. I’m 56 now, and they’re in primary school. A lot of my friends don’t have grandchildren yet, but the ones that do are equally as obsessed. I get frustrated when women feel affronted by the very idea that they’re old enough to be grandparents, and seem horrified by it. I think, my god, if you knew what I knew about how amazing it is, you would jump in with both feet.

What makes it so special for me is my daughter-in-law. I’m lucky in that I treat her like she’s my daughter. She is my daughter, and will be for life. I’ve told my son, “I don’t care what happens between both of you, even if you break up, Lily will always be a part of this family, and that’s the end. She’s my grandchildren’s mother, and she’s in our lives for life”.

I take responsibility for my relationship with her. I know some people have really awkward daughter-in-laws, but I think a lot of that difficulty actually comes from having really awkward mother-in-laws who stick their noses in and don’t respect the position of the parents. I never ever wanted to be like that.

I was lucky to have a lovely mother-in-law, who never made me feel like she was sorry that I married her son. When we had our first son, we lived with her for the first year and a half, and she waited on me hand and foot. I realised this is what I wanted for my kids, to know that their partners will be taken care of. I also find it strange when men don’t stick up for their wives when there’s a difficult mother-in-law. If I were ever out of order, my son would have no problem telling me, and that’s how it should be.

Unfortunately Lily’s own mother, Emma, who I knew for years, passed away before the children were born. I see it as my honour to take care of Lily in her mum’s absence. Lily has, after all, given me the two best things that have ever happened to me, so I don’t want to ever have anything other than a good relationship with her. We have very open communication, she trusts me and she knows I will take a bullet for my grandkids. She has no anxiety about giving them to me to look after them while she goes away.

There is nothing better than being a grandmother – nothing. At the same time, I hate the pressure some women feel to give up their careers to become full-time grandparents. Absolutely f*cking not! I’m still in my working life, I’m still providing for my family. Society never asks a grandfather to do that.

I, of course, love having my grandchildren to stay, but I’ve worked for most of my own children’s childhoods, so to suddenly stop now and be a full-time carer would be ridiculous. If you’re older, and have stopped working and are 75, knock yourself out, but by then you’re also likely to be knackered from looking after kids all the time. I love my grandkids, but they’re exhausting.

Even though I’m separated from my husband now, I do still talk to my grandkids about their grandad. He’s their grandad, he’s important. But, I’m Nanny – make no mistake. I know my place. It goes Mum, Dad, Nanny. The end.

When it comes to children, I think a lot about something Toni Morrison said on an Oprah Winfrey show years ago. It changed the way I parent and grandparent. She said: “When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers, if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. You think your affection and your deep love are on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face.” Instead, she said, your face should show you’re glad to see them. As Toni put it: “Do your eyes light up when your child walks into the room?”

It was a profound moment for me. A proper life lesson. You get so caught up in the day to day that you forget to let them know that it doesn’t matter what they do, you are so happy to see them.

And since that one moment, the first thing I do, whenever I see my kids or my grandbabies, is make sure my eyes light up.

I want them to know that it is my utter joy to be in their presence.

For kids I am loving…

My Little Coco

It’s the simplest and softest of formulas for kids’ skin and hair. For new borns, babies and children it’s Dermatologically Tested, Paediatrician Approved and Suitable for Sensitive Skin.

Garnier Kids SPF

Is my favourite SPF for and to use on the kids. It’s gentle fragrance-free formula is designed for sensitive skin and all of it is SPF50+.