My friend gave up her job to care for grandkids – we’re being exploited
For many parents, having a grandparent or two on hand to help with school pick-ups, unexpected late nights at work or just a couple of hours’ respite from their kids can be a life-saver – and the chance to save on nursery fees can be very helpful too.
But it is easy for grandparents who love seeing their grandchildren to feel that they are being taken advantage of, and asked to take on far more than is fair. Suddenly retirement is filled with a full-time job, but one that comes without financial recompense.
So, should grandparents who help out with childcare be paid? Grandmother and comedy writer Jan Etherington and parent Rhiannon Picton-James give their perspectives.
There’s no doubt that childcare is pricey – some nurseries even charge extra for nappies, snacks and so on – but what is the alternative for working parents?
The first stop is, frequently, asking the grandparents to step in. But as de facto childminders, shouldn’t they, too, get paid for caring for their grandchildren? It’s true that grandparents can apply for national insurance credit for these duties, but only if they fulfil certain specific criteria.
Some believe it is, obviously, the grandparents’ duty to provide free childcare. Often, they are encouraged to move closer – maybe even move in – so they can be there 24/7.
It sounds very caring – and yes, often, it is – but what some parents want is childminding on tap and grandparents can be victims of emotional blackmail: “Oh, I could get a babysitter in but they’re so much happier with you.”
The problem is most want to help. Initially flattered and thrilled to be involved, grandparents may soon find themselves totally exhausted, their lives dominated by school runs and nappy changing.
I’ve seen it so many times.
The daughter-in-law of one friend draws up a timetable for her to stick to – which often involves pick-ups from multiple schools, with their hefty Alsatian in tow. My friend has given up a part-time job to keep to the frantic schedule. When she was invited to join the family holiday in Italy, you won’t be surprised to learn that they expected her to babysit in the evenings and supervise the pool activities during the day.
Those parents – and there are thousands like them – should definitely pay the grandparents, because they are changing the grandparent/grandchild relationship. As my friend says, “I love seeing my grandchildren, but I want them to see me as a grandma, bringing joy, fun and treats, not as a disciplinarian, who makes them do their homework, enforces bedtime and tells them off.”
For those parents who are currently preparing a spreadsheet for the grandparents’ duties, let me just say that there is a reason for the menopause. Your body is telling you not only that your childbearing years but also your intensive child-caring years are over.
When my children were born, I would never in a million years have asked, or expected, my parents to be on regular childcare duty. A combination of swapping childminding, school pick-ups with friends and local babysitters and cutting my working hours got me through the early years.
I became a grandmother in my early fifties. I was working (still am) but happily helped out when needed and of course, in an emergency, I was there like a shot.
My four grandchildren are now young adults but I have friends in their seventies and eighties, who married late and whose grandchildren are babies and toddlers. Those that are traditional grandmas – happy to visit, babysit now and then and whisk the children off for treats and outings – are sprightly and well. A number who are on timetabled “heavy-lifting” (literally) duty are, for the most part, absolutely shattered and suffering all manner of aches and pains.
The truth, not universally acknowledged, is that you need fitness training to be a “service provider” grandmother. Lifting a wriggling baby into the car seat, folding up a modern, heavyweight pushchair and chucking it into the boot of the car, sprinting across the playground, as a two-year-old heads for the swings at speed, requires at least a GCSE in Olympic gymnastics and the stamina of a marathon runner.
So yes, we should pay grandparents who perform these parental duties, but it’s not all about the money. “Payment” comes in many forms.
There are many thousands of grandparents whose greatest joy is being with their grandchildren while the parents work or socialise. They call it a privilege. In most cases, these are happy families, where the grandparents feel not just needed but appreciated and loved and they regularly receive a “payment in kind”. It can take the form of a big “thank you” hug, some flowers or handmade cards from their charges. Maybe they’re taken out to supper, or “treated” to a weekend break for themselves.
A recent report by the Social Mobility Commission said that grandparents who spend time with their grandchildren play a critical role in determining a child’s positive life outcome, including academic success. The “grandparent” effect was strongest for the mother’s mother – the grandma.
Janet Ellis, former Blue Peter presenter and grandmother of six, says: “The conversations you have with grandchildren are different because you are effectively dipping into their lives, not running them”.
Exactly. It’s a grandmother’s role to bring joy, applaud every triumph, hug away disappointments and above all else, give them confidence. It’s a parent’s job to enforce bedtime, homework, table manners – and respect for their grandparents.
So, if a new grandchild arrived, would I take on regular childcare duties? You couldn’t pay me enough!
Jan Etherington’s comedy series Conversations from a Long Marriage continues on Radio 4 on Mondays.
