In my 20s I saved for a house – my adult children waste money on coffee and brunch

I’ve just turned 60 and my children are in their twenties. We brought them up to have a sensible attitude towards money: we lived within our means and if something was too expensive, we’d save up or go without. We certainly didn’t live off credit cards and the only debt we had was our mortgage, which we finally paid off this year.

So I’m confused and disappointed that my children don’t share our family values. They don’t seem interested in saving up for a deposit for a flat or house, and have told me “it’s impossible”.

Instead, they spend their money on fancy coffees, expensive brunches and holidays with their friends. They don’t have a penny left over each month; they talk about debts casually; they buy things on finance or pay in instalments and it all seems irresponsible.

At their age I was going without to save up for a house so we could have children. We’re not rich but I’d love to give them a little contribution towards a house deposit, but I’d be worried they’d fritter it away on frivolities. So I’ve said nothing. I can’t help but disapprove: they seem a bit stunted somehow. Will they ever grow up?

They find my attitude outdated and I’ve heard them dismiss my views as “Boomer privilege“. Have I done something wrong?

Yours, Confused

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Dear Confused,

I can understand why your children’s attitude towards money feels so personal. This, however, is not simply a generational clash of values, but also a fundamental change in society.

While our generation grew up with Shakespeare’s “Never a borrower nor lender be” ringing around our heads, we also knew that with hard work, property wasn’t out of our reach. In contrast, those starting adulthood now have uncertain job prospects, high unemployment and the real prospect of never getting on the housing ladder however hard they try.

Younger generations are no longer set to be richer than their parents, set among the backdrop of global warming and their own share of international tensions: we are not giving them much of a welcome to adulthood. At the same time, leasing and credit culture – as you so rightly note – has taken off hugely.

Add to this the increasing age that people become parents – 31 now compared with 27 in the 1990s, with increasingly older parents in more metropolitan areas – and no wonder you sense a Peter Pan culture. Many young adults don’t feel the same rush we did to enter responsibilities.

Rather than seeing this as a personal affront, or challenge to your values, it’s important to place it in its societal context. So much as it must be hard to understand why they are “frittering” money, it might be that they are focused on the short term because the long term is uncertain at best.

Please do keep this in mind when chatting to them: the more we seek to empathise with our children’s experiences, the more they will feel understood. Have you asked them how they feel about saving towards a home – and, in fact, saving in general? I’d recommend that you acknowledge that things were more straightforward for you, and not simply because avocado on toast wasn’t a staple.

It sounds as if you wish to be generous and help them towards a deposit. While your instincts are to hold back on the gift, I would let them know that if ever they do consider saving towards a home, then you’d like to support as much as you can. You might find that a lot of their spending is based on circumstance: if buying a property feels out of reach, then why save?

The moment you let them know that it might be in reach, they might want to work towards this. I would avoid giving a timeframe. You might consider explaining that you want to do this because you do understand how much harder it is “than in your day”. But, by planting a seed, when they are ready for responsibility they will feel free to come to you. And if they never are, don’t take it as a rejection of love: we don’t create children to live our lives again, but to find their own path.

In the meantime, it sounds like you’ve done a good job in giving them stability. It might be that you can continue to support them by teaching them about budgeting, finances and how to grow money. This might be a way of connecting with them.

I’d also recommend that you try to learn from them too: do they take care of their health in a way that you don’t? Could you go out for a brunch or with your friends? Listen to their views on the world and try to understand, rather than feeling challenged. By showing that you want to learn from them too, they are likely to be more open to learning from you. Good luck: generational divides are tricky to manage and I’d recommend building the bridge both ways.