‘I never spoke to her again’: The unique hell of holidays with rich friends

The rage built up through the entire three-hour flight. Flying home from her Italian holiday to Manchester, Anna*, 34, tried to read a novel or listen to music, but couldn’t stop seething. She’d spent far more than she’d planned to, and after three days of dinners out, shopping, gelato and countless spritzes, had found out how much her friend, Rebecca*, earned.

“The whole holiday I was stressed about how much I was spending. I’d bought some really expensive rounds of drinks and split meals between the four of us, even when I’d ordered something much cheaper,” says Anna, who works in PR. “Then I found out that as a private dentist, she earns more than three times what I do.”

Wealth gaps between friends often come to a head on holidays – a dynamic that is encapsulated in the BBC’s new drama, Two Weeks in August. Most of us have experienced the messy resentment that quietly builds from being made to have the tiny bedroom by the toilet in a villa, or blowing your budget on a group meal at a restaurant nonchalantly chosen by the higher earners.

For Anna, her friend’s large salary suddenly put their friendship – and the expensive Airbnb that she could barely afford – into context. “It’s not just the holiday, it’s all the times before then that I paid for train tickets down to see her, the drinks I covered on nights out, the gifts I’ve got her versus the ones she’s given me. But the holiday was my real breaking point”. There are no more holidays together in the calendar.

Five years in to the cost of living crisis, money is placing an increasing strain on our relationships – and group holidays can be uniquely exposing of financial disparities. Research by Starling found that half of British adults have fallen out with a friend on holiday, with 54 per cent of arguments caused by disagreements about money.

For Jo, 39, tensions ran high on a holiday to the south of France with two friends. Having recently left a corporate job and starting her own business, she was taking home around £24,000 a year. Knowing that her friends earned around the £75,000 mark, Jo knew she needed to be upfront about her budget.

“I said beforehand that I needed to be careful of money and may not be up for big boozy evenings,” she explains. “I said money was tight and asked if we could go for cheaper accommodation. I also said that I may end up going back to the hotel earlier than the others if I wanted an earlier (and cheaper) night.”

While one friend was understanding, sharing affordable hotel options and showing consideration of the cost of daytime plans, the other was not. “She was always pressing to stay out for a few more drinks,” says Jo. “I felt embarrassed and ashamed. She would say things like, ‘Come on, it’s still so early’ or, ‘We’re on holiday, I think we should make the most of it’ – subtly making me feel like I was affecting her enjoyment of the trip.”

She felt so bruised from it all that she distanced herself from her friend after that holiday and the relationship never fully recovered.

Emily* and Madeleine’s* different approaches to money caused a major blowout on their holiday to the Caribbean. “She actually earned more than I did at the time, but she was bad with money so always in her overdraft,” Emily explains. “We spent all this money flying out there but once we were at the hotel [Madeleine] was really stingy about everything. We ended up going to really poor restaurants and on the one night I convinced her to go somewhere nice she refused to take a taxi there, so we walked on dirt roads for over an hour in the heat and got lost. I lost it. I spent the rest of the holiday sunburnt and grumpy. We’ve been on holidays since and she’s just as tight but luckily I’m able to push her to spend when it really matters.”

Samantha*, a 34-year-old hair colourist, earns around £50,000 a year before taxes, and admits she isn’t sure how much her friends make. “It could vary from way less to way more depending on which friend I’m talking about,” she says. “Some claim universal credit. I have friends who are struggling artists, high-fashion models and tech nerds.”

Money has been an unspoken issue on group holidays. “Someone would always not add service charge to a split bill or there would always be money outstanding,” she says. “I love an activity and would suggest things and it would always be a question of, ‘How much?’ Then plans never got made.”

When her friends say they can’t afford a certain type of holiday, or an activity she’s keen to do while on the trip, “it always seems like an excuse,” she says. “I end up feeling rejected and deflated about our friendship – and it really changes the holiday.”

Monetary differences always bring up complex emotions, and people can feel especially self-conscious on holidays, says Laura Ann Moore, a financial coach and author of upcoming book Find Your Wealth.

Unlike in everyday life, “every decision is communal, visible and agreed together,” she says. “The gap between what people can comfortably spend becomes obvious and hard to ignore.

“We tend to assume that people at the same life stage should be in roughly the same financial bracket, so when the reality cracks that assumption, it forces an uncomfortable renegotiation of how we see each other.”

“Money can be deeply tied to our sense of self-worth,” she adds, and we project our insecurities on to others – so holidays lead to clashes and comparisons, and accusations of wastefulness, greed and stinginess.

How do we avoid it? Rule number one is to be honest and frank about your budget and expectations from the outset, before anything is booked. “It is less awkward to set expectations before the trip than to feel resentful or anxious throughout it because you didn’t speak your mind. Suggest a shared budget conversation before booking anything, so that all costs are agreed upfront rather than just assumed.”

“Be specific,” Hannah Carmichael, a friendship and connection coach, advises. “For example, ‘I have £500 to spend on a holiday this year, so I’d love to try to find something that works within that’ is better than ‘Money’s a bit tight at the moment.’ If your friends are genuinely your friends, they will want to find a way to include you.”

If you’re the higher earner or the one willing to spend more, proceed with care. You might decide that rather than an even split of costs, a proportional breakdown makes everyone feel more comfortable. “One nice trick is to pay a percentage of the overall cost each, rather than each person paying their way,” advises Hannah. “So, if the high earner’s salary is three times higher than the low earner’s, then they would pay three quarters of the drinks bill, and the low earner one quarter (assuming the quarter is affordable!).”

And remember, whether you’re a cash-splasher or on the stingier end of the scale, holidays with friends are about so much more than money. “The end result of a group friend holiday is to make memories and go on adventures with the people you love,” notes Laura. “Focus on why you’re choosing to go on holiday with these people.”

*Names have been changed