I have no friends in retirement – I resent my wife for having lots

My wife and I both retired a year ago. We were excited about the prospect of stopping work –  we’ve saved hard and while we are not affluent, we also don’t have money worries so feel very fortunate.

But it turns out that I’m not suited to retirement at all. My wife has joined lots of groups and is making friends everywhere she goes, from badminton to fitness classes. She sees these new friends for coffee and lunches, too. 

Meanwhile, I’m sitting at home not knowing what to do or how to make friends. I feel a burning resentment towards my wife that this is our time together – we’re both fit and well – and instead of making the most of it, she’s spending her time with other people. 

We are spending more time together than when we worked, but I’m also spending a lot more time on my own than I’m used to. I’ve worked hard all my life so we could have this special period of life together and she seems oblivious.

How do I explain what I’m feeling? 

Jim O’D, 66

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Dear Jim,

I’m pleased that you recognise the resentment you’re feeling towards your wife and where it’s coming from. This demonstrates self-awareness. I wonder whether you feel infuriated that she can pick up friends casually, while you’ve found the past year hard socially.

I wonder whether you feel betrayed by her? It sounds like you’d anticipated that your wife would be both the custodian and the architect of your social life and that you’re feeling lost that she’s getting on and enjoying herself. On top of this, do you feel lonely?

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the resentment you feel while making clear that it sounds like your wife’s attitude is very healthy. She is responding to the sudden increase in leisure time wisely. Secondly, I want you to know how incredibly common it is to find retirement a difficult transition – and it’s overwhelmingly harder for men in their sixties to make friends than women.

Many men enter this chapter of their lives, where we prioritise health and community over work and earning, without feeling equipped. Men need friends as much as women but can find it difficult to make them. This is easy to ignore when life is full with work, but not now.

Partly, this is because so many of us haven’t been raised to share our feelings and vulnerabilities, so we are often slower to connect. I’ve dedicated my life to encouraging men to talk about feelings and still I marvel at how quickly my wife will share something personal with a stranger, who will confide in her in return, and they swiftly become friends.

I recommend that you bite the bullet, get out there and just start being more sociable so you’re not relying solely on your wife, which is probably a huge pressure for her. How would you like to spend your time? Do you have hobbies that you’ve neglected over the years? Or is there something new you’d like to try? Are you doing sports? How do you take care of your health? What do other men around you get up to in your local area? Volunteering, if it appeals to you, is invaluable to the community and is associated with supporting our brains because of the sense of purpose it gives. I’d recommend doing what you love – and see who else might be there.

I also recommend the community workshops Men’s Sheds, where men make and fix things “shoulder to shoulder”, based on the understanding that many men find it easier to connect and chat deeply while working on practical projects. Men’s groups such as MenSpeak, which I founded, provide a simple structure to enable men to share their lives.

I hear your concern about not being good at retirement: when we have worked hard all our life and been valued for that work, it can be a challenge to our identity when we stop. Many men tell me how important mentoring becomes to them: helping others gives them a similar feeling of value and purpose that they gained through work, but without any of the pressure.

This might also be a good time to reconnect with friends from your past, many of whom might be facing the same life transition, if these friendships were fulfilling and secure.

As your own social life builds and you spend more time pursuing your own interests, I suspect that you’ll find that your resentment towards your wife fades away. In fact, it would probably be fun to tell each other what you’ve been doing with your days, so you can both bring a fresh energy to your relationship as you move into this next chapter of life.

I’d also recommend that you chat to your wife about whether there is something you could learn or rediscover together, so that you are growing in your relationship too.

I’d urge you to be kind to yourself: retirement is a huge life transition and you aren’t expected to know what will feel fulfilling to you. I hope you get pleasure from taking the time to find out.