From tipping to etiquette, here's why buffets aren't as great as lot of people seem to think

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time to air some of our biggest grievances in a brand new edition of The Gripe Report.

This week, we’re talking buffets.

My wife and I recently hit up a buffet, and while it was good, it just reminded me of why I’m not big on buffets.

They're still better than potlucks, though. I hate those.

This was a German buffet, which meant there was an abundance of various wursts and schnitzels, and if you felt so inclined, you could sit there and shovel spätzle into your dumb face until you auf den boden kotzen.

It was a good time, and I liked the German band that was playing (no Rammstein or Kraftwerk covers, though; bummer), but it reminded me of the many problems I have with buffets in general.

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So, seeing as I do a column dedicated to complaints, I figured this was the perfect place to get it all out.

Anytime I end up at a buffet, I always sit there wondering whether or not it’s a good deal. You usually end up paying a premium for the right to go on a culinary excursion using spoons and tongs that every other sicko in the restaurant touched, but you can only eat as much as you can eat.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to pay to feel like complete and utter s---, so half the time I feel like I leave buffets thinking, "I probably could’ve just gotten a sandwich for like half the price and been fine."

Now, part of what I do enjoy about buffets is that it gives you carte blanche to test drive some grub you would never order under any circumstances.

Sometimes you find a diamond in the proverbial buffet rough, but more often than not, you’re paying for the privilege of trying something and being like, "yeah, that’s alright," and then never eating it again for the rest of your life.

I think my biggest beef with buffets is that they do not present most foods under ideal conditions, because very few items, if any, are at their pinnacle of deliciousness when sitting out under a lightbulb for an extended period of time.

Sure, some things can handle this. Macaroni and cheese can usually survive under these circumstances, but a lot of meats end up getting dried out because they sit there for half the day drinking in heat and oxygen.

There’s a reason food tastes best straight off the grill or straight out of the oven.

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In fact, I normally steer clear of fish at buffets, and went in for salmon (which was actually great) because I saw the fraulein behind the bar put out a brand new filet with my own two eyes.

It’s sometimes worth hovering like a creep waiting for one tray to get kicked and then swoop in for the fresh stuff.

I know in a sit-down restaurant the food is still usually going to hang out in the back under a heat lamp for a little bit too, but not nearly for as long, and without other lunatics digging it apart with spoons and tongs and spatulas.

This is why if ever there’s a meal during which I’m most likely to hit a buffet for, it’s breakfast.

I think that it’s without question the meal best suited to hanging out in chafing dishes while digging through it.

Lots of breakfast fare is easy to scoop or can be snagged with a quick, accurate set of tongs, and it has a more robust shelf life than its lunch and dinner counterparts.

One thing that, for some reason, we can’t all get on the same page on is buffet etiquette.

Obviously, there has to be some level of decorum, lest the buffet break out into a Three Stooges-esque food fight.

I think the tricky thing is that, in my opinion, buffets are all about reading the room, which is very tough for some people.

Generally speaking, in my maiden trip to the buffet, I always start at the end as the buffet gods intended. That way I can do a reconnaissance lap to adjust my salad and roll intake accordingly.

However, I do not believe you have to start at the end. I think you can — and should — just jump into the buffet… within reason.

Here’s an example: say you want some biscuits and gravy, which are located in the middle of the buffet. There’s nothing but free real estate around the biscuits and gravy (which is how you know this is a hypothetical), but there’s a line at the beginning of the buffet.

It’s ridiculous to think that you should go stand in line and wade past French toast sticks, eggs, and Cap’N Crunch you have no interest in to get your biscuits and gravy, so just look both ways like you’re crossing the street and grab them, and get out of the way.

But, if there’s a group going through the line and approaching the biscuits and gravy, approach with caution.

My rule of thumb is jump in, so long as you do not disrupt the flow of someone who is traveling the length of the buffet as intended.

Tipping is always a touchy subject, but I think we need to talk about how this works with buffets.

It was my understanding that you tipped the server for, y’know, serving you.

But at most buffets, the server brings you drinks (I’ve been to some where they don’t even do that) and clears your spent plates.

That’s not nothing… but is that 20% worthy if that’s what you throw down for a full-service waiter or waitress?

I don’t mean to be that guy, but I did way more legwork when it came to getting food to the table than they did. I balanced a cup of coffee, a bowl of fruit, a plate with an omelette and home fries, and then a little sidecar plate of bacon and sausage while navigating a bustling dining room.

How about tipping me?

Plus, the bill is often considerably more per person compared to exercising some restraint and just getting an entree.

I feel the same way about restaurants where you cook your own food. I’ve never gotten those. I get that it’s supposed to be about the "experience," but you can do that at home for considerably less.

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That’s it for this week!

Be sure to send in your gripes for a future edition of The Gripe Report.