Captain Chris ‘Hunter-Killer’ Philp takes on French navy single-handed

Shots fired in the Channel are all in a day’s work for the intrepid shadow home secretary

C’est magnifique, mais ce n’est pas la guerre. Captain Chris ‘Hunter-Killer’ Philp had been on patrol since first light in the English Channel. While the rest of the country was still asleep, the Philpster was scanning the horizon for rubber dinghies full of illegal immigrants. Something he had never done in his previous life as immigration minister. Back then he had sought to rehouse new arrivals in hotels. Now he wanted to send them to a watery grave.

It had been a quiet morning. Too quiet. Just the one sighting of a child with a rubber ring paddling off the beach in Boulogne. But Hunter-Killer was taking no chances. All it takes is one child and before long there will be hundreds of thousands making the crossing with swimming aids bought from the local Carrefour. So the Philpster had called in the RAF. Minutes later, a Typhoon FGR4 had blasted the kid out of the water. Job done. Pour encourager les autres.

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