After years of attempting to meet Hollywood's expectations, Jennifer Esposito reached a breaking point.
During an appearance on Maria Menounos' "Heal Squad" podcast, the "Blue Bloods" alum reflected on the ups and downs she experienced as a young actress and explained why she finally decided to pull the curtain and call it quits on Hollywood.
"I remember, like, the anxiety of trying to be what everyone wanted me to be," Esposito said. "I got a call one time from my manager. I was on this movie, and they were like, ‘Are you happy on set?’ And I was like, ‘What do you mean?’" Esposito recalled. "Like, ‘Oh, the producer called and said, like, you don't really say good morning.’"
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The criticism caught Esposito off guard, she said.
"I was just like, ‘We're starting at 5 in the morning. I'm just trying to learn my lines, like, just do my job.’ Like, nothing I was doing was right."
Esposito claimed speaking up about more serious concerns presented another problem.
"And then if you ever speak out about, like, any kind of abuse situation, like, you're not supposed to do that," she said. "Like, you don't do that. You know, there's no right step."
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The actress also alleged there was a double standard between men and women in Hollywood, and pointed to Armie Hammer making a smooth return back into Hollywood.
Esposito recalled questioning a stunt in which fake glass was supposed to explode in her face, only to feel pressure not to slow down production.
"They were like, ‘We're just going to blow this fake glass in your face,’ and I was just like, ‘I don't know. Is that right?’ ‘Don't hold us up. You're going to hold us up? Oh, you're not going to do it?’"
After years of questioning herself and revisiting her experiences in therapy, Esposito said she eventually realized she couldn't continue down the same path.
"I would write a little, pick it up, put it down, pick it up, put it down, until I got to a point when it was just like one awful experience after another," she said of developing her movie "Fresh Kills" while continuing to work as an actress.
Then came her breaking point.
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"I remember it was around New Year's, and I thought — I was so miserable," Esposito said. "I was really, really miserable, and I thought, ‘OK, I have to quit.’"
Before walking away, however, Esposito said she felt compelled to make "Fresh Kills," the female-centered Mafia drama she would eventually write, direct and star in.
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"There was this thing in my head: ‘But make "Fresh Kills" first, because then you can end on your terms, and you could finally do what you believe you can do.’"
Esposito said she eventually realized she could no longer wait for Hollywood to give her an opportunity.
"No one's coming. No one's answering your call. No one cares about you complaining. No one cares [that] women should be in more films, and we should have stories from women. No one cares. And if you think you can do it, then do it," she said.
Getting the movie made brought another round of rejection.
Esposito recalled potential backers offering $5 million if she could secure three male stars and said she was also asked if she would step aside for a male director.
After another discouraging pitch, Esposito decided to stop asking others to take a chance on her.
"I remember getting off the Zoom, and I went out to my husband. I was like, ‘I'm mortgaging the house. I'm mortgaging the house.’"
She said the decision came down to betting on herself.
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"Why am I asking these people to bet on me?" Esposito recalled thinking. "I get it. You've never seen me direct anything. You don't know. I hear you. So if I'm asking these people to bet on me, I need to bet on me."
The gamble ultimately resulted in "Fresh Kills," allowing Esposito — who officially moved to Paris three months ago — to make the film she wanted before ending that chapter of her career on her own terms.
"I will never doubt my ability again. No matter what anybody says, I know exactly what I'm capable of," she said. "And it was wonderful to be able to give myself that."
"I don't think I have ever had a calm nervous system ever. Like, I'm being honest. Like, my house was crazy, my surroundings growing up were crazy. Then getting into this industry ... I just finally got to the point where I thought, ‘Why do you keep accepting crumbs from every aspect of your life?’"
She later added, "Now being [in Paris] for three months almost, I really don't even recognize the person I am. I noticed myself smiling walking down the street yesterday. I joined a gym and went in the pool. I haven't been in the pool in I don't know how long."
"Like, I don't know what to say, but it's a piece of finally seeing myself and saying, 'Nobody, nobody that I'm asking has to do anything. It's OK. I'm not mad. I'm just going to excuse myself.’ And it's seriously one of the most powerful things I've ever done for myself. One hundred percent."
