ANDREW PIERCE: The day Tobias got a rocket from Vladimir Putin

By ANDREW PIERCE, DAILY MAIL CONSULTANT EDITOR AND COLUMNIST Published: 00:17, 13 July 2026 | Updated: 00:25, 13 July 2026 Former junior Foreign Office minister Tobias Ellwood had to think on his feet when he unexpectedly found himself alone with Russian despot Vladimir Putin for 15 minutes at a summit of European leaders. 'There seemed little point in condemning his recent annexation of the Crimea,' writes Ellwood in his new book Ten Steps To Prevent World War Three. 'He would simply have walked away.' And so Ellwood told Putin that a friend of his was shortly to use Russian transport and was worried about whether it would be available for the return journey as tensions rose between East and West. 'Putin looked puzzled,' he recalls, until he explained the pal was British astronaut Tim Peake, who was due to travel to the International Space Station on a Russian Soyuz rocket. 'Putin smiled. 'Mr Ellwood. Tell Mr Peake we will not abandon him.' Former junior Foreign Office minister Tobias Ellwood revealed he used astronaut Tim Peake to break the ice with Vladimir Putin when left alone with him at a summit Will it soon be a case of 'Arise Sir Harry'? Lib Dem MP Layla Moran has tabled a Commons motion calling for a knighthood for England captain Harry Kane who, she says, 'has shown inspirational leadership on and off the pitch'. I suspect he'll need to win the World Cup first! As MPs can not legally resign, if they do want to quit they must accept a position that disqualifies them from holding office and, by long-standing tradition, this is the role of Crown Steward of the Chiltern Hundreds.  After Nigel Farage used this mechanism to trigger a by-election in Clacton, one Tory wag was heard to bellow: 'Why would he apply for the Chiltern Hundreds? He's already received millions.' Andy Burnham's 'crazy idea' to set up state-owned restaurants to offer free food to the unemployed has not gone down well with former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie. He says he has just seen the menu: 'Sponge pudding. Toad in the dole. Jammy dodgers. Couch potatoes. Lamb with skint sauce. Liggertoni. Fish and kips.' Lord Young of Cookham, the Conservative Leader of the Commons under David Cameron, has a cunning plan to keep Burnham in check. 'In addition to No 10 North, should we also have a No 11 North to keep an eye on the money?' Could Count Binface cause an upset in Clacton? When Hartlepool United mascot H'Angus the Monkey stood to become the town's first directly elected mayor in 2002 on a platform of free bananas for school children, he won.  H'Angus – real name Stuart Drummond – went on to serve three terms. The children never got their free bananas, though. Sir Keir Starmer has been accused of 'taking the puss' after the Government Car Service was used to ferry his kitten between Downing Street and Chequers. There were humans already using the vehicles according to Paymaster General Nick Thomas-Symonds, who confirmed that 'residents of Downing Street' – including previous administrations – have frequently taken pets between residences. Tory chair Kevin Hollinrake is having none of it. 'Starmer has finally found one passenger who never questions his judgment and given him a chauffeur. The Prime Minister is taking the puss.' Former Tory minister Esther McVey has a nickname for Burnham: 'Mr Knock & Run. He says something then runs away from answering any questions.'